Fuck you for just comparing me to Drew Barrymore first of all, and secondly, are you sure you're the John? Because, bro, I'm gonna be honest, you just seem a little below my standards. Like the letter maybe didn't scream class act, but really?
Dave, have you been seeing other Johns? I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to take this. Of course I'm John! I'm just not sure what the John means. Unless you mean, like, the toilet. Then no, no way in hell.
What? No. A dude saves his John-cherry for for weeks and the instant any old possible impostor pops up and starts slinging cheating accusations his way, he's just supposed to lie down and take his word for it? I don't just accept any Moe, Dick or Harry waltzing up and claiming to be my best friend, you know. This is seriously important shit.
Kind of for me to decide, chumpass. How do I know you aren't just trying to woo my ass so you can kidnap me and keep me on a boat with a VCR as my only proof of who or where I am?
If this is blackmail, fine, I acquiesce if only to spare myself having to make a noose out of my cape out of desperation to escape that 4 hours of hell.
I'm being positively polite about this, I'm sparing you a torrential downpour of bile directed at those heaping turds of cinematic fuckupery and giving you the chance to backpedal into safer territory, and yet you continue to nip at the ankles of Stranger Danger like the world's dumbest terrier.
You want loving reunions that'll bring you to tears? Homeward Bound. You want Nic Cage in a sweaty wifebeater? Raising Arizona. You want fucking idiotic puns and more John Malkovich than your sensitive stomach can handle? Being John Malkovich.
Except we are sure as hell not watching that last one. Ever.
They love each other, fucknuts. Their love is strong enough to overcome her amnesia. But I wouldn't expect you to understand or have even the tiniest modicum of taste.
Quirky, brain-challenged blonde has been done to death, that particular horse has been pulverized, bro, and single-handedly beaten back from a viscous pile into a meaty horse-shaped lump with the whipping hand of Miss Barrymore herself.
By the standards of Romantic Comedy, it's not quite the post-Taco Bell shit smeared along the inside of the john with the rest of them - joke intentional, by the way - but that's like saying one anal enema went smoother than the rest. They all bend you over and shove their fat Hollywood dicks up your chute while slathering the same tired plot at you night after night, but you take it anyway because you've been conditioned by the entertainment industry to consider their mouth-breathing dribble "humor."
Also one not self-castration worthy movie does not excuse two Charlie's Angels movies, it's simple fucking math.
I wouldn't expect you to understand. Just because a movie doesn't have any Starkys or Hutches or awesome bros doing sweet half pipes back to the future or Tokyo drifting, and therefore your drooling sponge can't concentrate on it for longer than five seconds at a time, doesn't mean it doesn't have cinematic value.
Listen, asshole, if romantic comedies have similar plots it's only because they are examining the universality of longing for romantic fulfillment and the way destiny shapes the path of the lives of even the most ordinary (yet charming) protagonists. And I'm sorry the humor is too subtle for you since no one is getting kicked upside the bone bulge!
You are seriously riding the crazy train to Loonyville right now if you're projecting that hard onto the Sarah Jessica Parkers and Jennifer Anistons of the multiverse. This is Houston to Vantas, no one in real life would find that quirky airquote charming end airquote shit adorable, you'd get your ass dumped for a sane, rational, totally undestined dude that doesn't put up with bullshit like that.
Anyway, you're completely missing the point. The whole point was that as much as he wishes with his tiny little boy heart, John will never be the Adam Sandler to my hot, blonde, yet amnesiac ass.
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:19 am (UTC)[doesn't seem all that disappointed though]
[just can't let you get an EGO about it GOD]
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:21 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:33 am (UTC)For one, I'd make you watch Ghost Buster's and Con Air.
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-30 03:45 am (UTC)At least pick a halfway quality movie.
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:50 am (UTC)And second, they're cinematically amazing. I don't know anyone that isn't moved when Nic Cage reunites with his wife and daughter at the end.
I know I cry every time!
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:54 am (UTC)Except we are sure as hell not watching that last one. Ever.
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:56 am (UTC)It's like I don't even know you.
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:58 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2012-09-30 12:30 pm (UTC)They love each other, fucknuts. Their love is strong enough to overcome her amnesia. But I wouldn't expect you to understand or have even the tiniest modicum of taste.
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-30 03:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-30 03:52 pm (UTC)[... also watching you and Dave]
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Date: 2012-09-30 12:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-30 03:11 pm (UTC)Also, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:18 pm (UTC)Anyway, I see your Charlie's Angels and raise you The Wedding Singer. Even for a human film, you have to admit it's extremely great.
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:29 pm (UTC)Also one not self-castration worthy movie does not excuse two Charlie's Angels movies, it's simple fucking math.
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Date: 2012-09-30 03:43 pm (UTC)I wouldn't expect you to understand. Just because a movie doesn't have any Starkys or Hutches or awesome bros doing sweet half pipes back to the future or Tokyo drifting, and therefore your drooling sponge can't concentrate on it for longer than five seconds at a time, doesn't mean it doesn't have cinematic value.
Listen, asshole, if romantic comedies have similar plots it's only because they are examining the universality of longing for romantic fulfillment and the way destiny shapes the path of the lives of even the most ordinary (yet charming) protagonists. And I'm sorry the humor is too subtle for you since no one is getting kicked upside the bone bulge!
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Date: 2012-09-30 06:55 pm (UTC)Anyway, you're completely missing the point. The whole point was that as much as he wishes with his tiny little boy heart, John will never be the Adam Sandler to my hot, blonde, yet amnesiac ass.